


A study of charachter

by 1YoungWriter1



Category: Black Widow (Comics), The Avengers (Marvel Movies), Winter Soldier (Comics)
Genre: AU, Dark Natasha Romanov, Gen, Guilt, NOT Bruce/Natasha
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-05-02
Updated: 2015-05-02
Packaged: 2018-03-26 16:02:44
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,800
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3856630
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/1YoungWriter1/pseuds/1YoungWriter1
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Basically an exploration of Natasha Romanoff (my vision of her anyway) through a dialog of her and Vision(of whom I know only through films).</p>
<p>“I think the main reason for your nightly visits here is Dr. Banner.”<br/>Natasha looked away. She wondered whether Vision knew why Banner was the main reason. All of her friends and acquaintances presumed it was the loss of Bruce Banner that had consumed her. But that was only part of the truth. Not that she would tell them any different.<br/>“It is not sorrow that you feel most. It is guilt.”</p>
            </blockquote>





	A study of charachter

Dear reader, fanboy and fangirl,  
Forgive my futile labors of the night,  
For this creation is no pearl,  
And it might not create delight,  
Upon your weary faces. Searching,  
For entertainment you have been,  
And stumbled on my rather shocking,  
And very unconventional dream.  
You see, I am a puppet-master,  
And all these characters are now  
Committed to this fic-disaster,  
I have the strings. Now take a bow…

Natasha Romanoff sat in her quarters in the Avengers’ tower. She stared blankly into a wall, a bottle of whiskey in her hand. Every few minutes she would start to cough or snivel and she would immediately down another gulp of the mixture. It was a pity, she thought, that she was physically enhanced. She couldn’t even get drunk properly. And she wanted to get drunk. Thoroughly. She wanted to collapse and forget the world, forget she existed, forget what she had done. But even after a full bottle, the effects were extremely slight.

  
Feeling just a tiny bit tipsy, she wanted to take another swing but found the bottle empty. Sighing, annoyed, she got up and went out, into the corridors, towards the kitchen. She easily found her way in the dark, opened the cupboard of Tony’s whiskey and took out a Jack Daniel’s . She unscrewed the top, contemplating on whether or not she needed a glass, decided to drink from the bottle and was about to do so as she heard a voice behind her.

  
“I do not think that would be wise, Miss Romanoff.” It was Vision, who stayed at the tower for the moment.  
Natasha was slightly alarmed. The alcohol had taken some effect, it seemed. She should have noticed the presence of someone else in the room. But Vision was, unlike most humans, quiet and serine.

  
“I didn’t realize you were there, Vision.” She said hoarsely.

  
“I gathered as much, Miss Romanoff.” He looked at her as if waiting for something. “I would not advise you to consume that amount of alcohol. It cannot possibly be healthy.”  
“Well, as you may know, I have been made alcohol-tolerable, so to speak. Won’t make a difference…” She gulped the fiery liquid down, feeling it burn her throat. She was amazed to find herself that talkative.

  
“I do know that. But I also know that, though it will not take full effect, it will affect your body none the less.” He watched Natasha put the bottle down. “May I inquire as to why you are trying to get drunk?”

  
“You may. But you also may not receive an answer.” She snapped.

  
“May I take a guess?”  
“Sure,” Natasha huffed. “Why not?! Everyone else is asking the same question, mind you. This isn’t the first night of the week.”

  
“Yes. The other Avengers do know that you have been successfully emptying Mr. Stark’s alcohol cupboard but I doubt they know the true reason. They do not know you as well as they think.”

  
“I don’t intend on them ever doing so.” Natasha sighed again. It was true: she had been drinking for the past three nights. It didn’t have any consequences on her daily work or routine, but the aura and empty bottles were there. “And you do know me better. You’ve seen every file on me that can be found through the Internet. You know every detail of my life, every bit that was digitalized anyway…”

  
“Precisely so.” Vision answered. His eyes were still steady, his voice was forever calm. Vision himself frightened Natasha. He left her in silent awe and amazement. He seemed at peace with the Universe, in harmony with Life. He was the ultimate intelligence, free of most feelings, free of all strings. He was completely unpredictable to her, his actions were too calculated, paradoxically. She begged for that. It was her greatest wish, deep inside. She was modified to be heartless and cold. Up to a certain point she was, compared to many she was cruel and hard, but not compared to Vision. She had feelings, she had a conscious. And those feeling could be played. “I think the main reason for your nightly visits here is Dr. Banner.”

  
Natasha looked away. She wondered whether Vision knew why Banner was the main reason. All of her friends and acquaintances presumed it was the loss of Bruce Banner that had consumed her. But that was only part of the truth. Not that she would tell them any different.

  
“It is not sorrow that you feel most. It is guilt.” Bull’s-eye. “You see, your profile indicates you as a hard and strong person, not easily driven to sentiment. That is what your friends have overlooked. That fact that you have not changed all that much since you joined SHIELD.”

  
“I like the ‘not easily’ part.” Natasha chuckled sourly.

  
“But you have been known to have been in love. Twice I believe. Both times ended in disaster. And the memories of the later seem to have been recently stirred. Am I correct so far?”

  
“Top marks, Vision. Top marks.” Natasha took another shot of the whiskey. Had this been someone else, she might have cut their throat, but Vision was far too intelligent for gossip. He might use this information against her, but Natasha doubted it.

  
“Am I also correct in assuming that those memories had made you feel sorrowful and empty? That they pushed you to try to find love again?”

  
“Not exactly. Not love, but feeling. Something to fill the hole that I rediscovered.” Natasha whispered slowly, more to herself than to Vision, “How did I ever forget it was there?!” Silence fell again.

  
“You then selected, forgive the business-like tone of the word, Dr. Banner. You tried to ‘hit it off’ with him. It worked, I understand. But-”

  
“But Bruce decided to crash the jet… And I can’t help thinking the reason was me.” Natasha continued to stare into the wall. The worst bit was, that she felt pathetic. Natalia Romanova, the Black Widow, pouring her heart out to an android, because she made a mistake. She cursed under her breath. Perhaps Rogers was rubbing off on her.  
“I assure you, Miss Romanoff, there must have been many causes for Dr. Banner’s actions.” Vision watched Natasha sit down on a bar-stool.

  
“Yeah. But that doesn’t make me feel like less of a bitch.” She sighed again. She would have cried but she got rid of that habit decades ago. Her fit of sobs in front of Bruce was not exactly real. “The worst bit is that that wasn’t me. Banner didn’t fall in love with me. That was the good agent Natasha Romanoff. Not Natalia Romanova. Not the woman I am deep inside…”

  
Natasha hadn’t decided herself, who she wanted to be more. The Black Widow, or agent Romanoff. She lived too long by the rules of the Black Widow to just stop. She adored that image: the ruthless assassin, the first class spy. But she didn’t mind the idea of Natasha Romanoff. The idea of a good girls, with principles, with ideas and moral codes. She couldn’t chose between those two personalities and both didn’t work well together. And deep inside she still knew, that she liked the way a man’s neck snapped, the way the trigger of a gun could be pulled ever so gently… The Avengers didn’t understand her or her past. They didn’t understand, that no matter how much she liked the role, Natasha Romanoff would only be that: a role.

  
“And He understood that.” Vision continued. “The latter of your two lovers. He knew that you were not like most women. That although you were broken, you admired yourself as you were. Not as a tool, but as a weapon.”

  
Natasha wondered how Vision found that out, but only momentarily. It didn't exactly matter now... “I can’t explain that to the others.” Natasha decided to go all the way. Maybe it was the alcohol, maybe because Vision already knew all of it, maybe because she still considered him part-machine and not so human. “I can’t explain how thankful I am for being a war-machine. I was given an amazing opportunity. I fulfilled my expectations. I became the best assassin and spy on the planet. And I am proud. I stopped crying over lost opportunities decades ago, including motherhood. Take it down to brainwashing or whatever, but I love what I am... And he loved me with all my flaws…”

  
Vision came closer. Natasha looked into his partly human eyes, stared at the gem in his forehead. Sometime, she thought, she would try to solve the riddle that was Vision. She wouldn’t solve it completely, but the process would be interesting enough.

  
“May I say, that I have a slight admiration for you?” Vision said, almost uncertainly. “You understand the concept of balance. You were prepared to save the millions of people on Earth by sacrificing thousands. People call it inhumane. A machine would have made that calculation in a fragment of a second… I think you also believe the fact, that the human race it going to die out. But you still admire the acts of morality and bravery and love that can be seen in every human. You don’t participate in these acts, but you find them…right.”

  
Silence fell once more. Natasha barely registered the way the droplets of water fell from the tap hit the sink with a soft thud, the slow and steady breathing of Vision, the rhythmic beating of her own heart.

  
“Tell me,” Natasha whispered, “what should I do? Now?”

  
“I would suggest you would go to sleep. Tomorrow you can continue training the new recruits. But in the long distance plan, I suggest you find Him.” Vision had almost expected the question. “I think that finding Him would help you find yourself again.”

  
Natasha stayed in the kitchen for a few more minutes, deep in thought. Letting a myriad of thoughts and memories pass through her head as she let all the information flow through her. Finally, she turned around, took the bottle of whiskey with her and placed a hand on Visions forearm. She was slightly amazed to find it warm, though she didn’t know why it shouldn’t have been.

  
“Thank you. For the advice, for the talk. I needed to get it out of my system.” She turned around and headed for her room. “Promise you won’t tell anyone. Of the fact that I needed a time-out-talk and of what was said. Both would ruin my reputation and would have great consequences on my relationship with the ‘team’.”

  
“You have been under a lot of pressure lately, Miss Romanoff. But, even enhanced, you’re still human. Many others would have broken down a long time ago.”

  
“Good night, Vision.”  
“Good night, Miss Romanoff.”


End file.
